fear and loathing, but mostly fear

fear. i'm not plagued by it. anxiety, sure. but fear? i was lucky enough to realize early on that most of what prevents us from doing things isn't so terrible.

i might look foolish. and?

i might fail. is that all? who hasn't?

i've never done this before. well that won't be true for much longer.

i've never been there, i won't know where to go. get a map. or get used to the idea that you will always be slightly lost and discombobulated when you leave your house. i have.

i'm no adrenaline junky, but i do love the rush that comes from trying new things and being a little daring. in most cases, i'm almost too foolhardy. throwing myself out there and only thinking later, what did i just do?

having said all that, there is one exception. i am terrified of something. and it comes in one, slightly hard to spell first thing in the morning, word: karaoke.

karaoke. if i were dared to stand naked in front of 100 people or sing karoki in front of them.... i'd choose the karaoki naturally. but man, i wouldn't be happy about it.

what is it about karaoke that so terrifies me? i don't mind talking in front of large groups. and i love to sing, even in front of others. at work i'm known to "sing up on people" (my quotation marks and dumb phrase stuck between) inserting peoples names into well known songs, or mostly just cecilia, by simon and garfunkel.

jaaaa-red.... you're printing that check...you're taking that check to the taaaa-ble. oh-ho jaaa-red. you get the idea.

but who cares? i can have one fear right? it's not like karaoking is mandatory in life. except that i'm invited to a karaoke birthday party tonight. i haven't replied in the affirmative, even though i'm 85 percent certain i'm going. i haven't replied in the affirmative even though i've missed this friend's past three karaoke birthday parties because i've been working. i haven't replied even though a few months back i even said, "hey! if your party was on a friday this year, i could come."

i am a dumb, dumb girl.

if i could go back and do things differently, there's one thing i'd change about how i lived my life.

in high school, i'd have spoken aloud in spanish class and i'd have gone on the costa rican trip. all that knowledge, set up in easy 45 minute a day lesson plans, and i was too shy to speak out loud thus ingraining the language because i liked the boy i sat next to and didn't want to sound like a moron. today, i have no idea what that boy's doing, and i regularly sound like a moron when i speak spanish. so what difference did that make?

i highly doubt that after tonight, i will look back and wish i had been singing karaoke all these years. (now is when i'll start taking song suggestions from you, my blog friends). i'm sure once i get up there, i'll even realize it's no big deal. i also highly doubt i'll become a karaokier. this will be a one time thing for me.

that is, if i go. 15 percent of me is still looking for a cop out. hey, it's my last big fear. i wouldn't mind hanging onto it for a while.