Monday, August 1, 2011

lil lessons learned on the road

my weekend was tre chichi. i went to the Hamptons.

since i don't travel anywhere new (nope the sentence doesn't end there) without trying to learn some valuable life lessons to post on my blog, here's what i took away from the trip.

Lesson 1: When you tell people you are going to the Hamptons, you must affect bored indifference.

"My weekend plans?" big sigh, "Oh, I'm going to the Hamptons."

no really. you have to say it that way or otherwise they won't let you in. "Sorry girl, you sound positively too excited to be admitted today." it's tricky enough getting there as is. you have to travel at light speed.

Lesson 2. There's all kind of (the) Hamptons.

a friend told me that when she went to the Hamptons -- she'd been hired by a family to teach pool-ates to an eleven-year-old -- the house she went to had a fountain in the frontyard the size of a swimming pool, white marble coated the entire interior of the house like a museum, and the owner's dog had it's own room.

my (the) Hamptons wasn't like that. it was more awesome.

first of all the people at my (the) Hamptons were interesting and super friendly. (i'm not saying that people who choose to decorate their house solely with white marble aren't friendly. i'll let you know when i meet one. i am possibly saying that they aren't interesting). at the party i went to, most people were tattoo artists.

i love being my red-haired sis's guest to tattoo functions. a. because my sis and i have fun together, but also b. i get a kick out of being with a group of people who are usually in the minority suddenly being the overwhelming majority. most everyone at the party looked like this guy:

except less frightened. you figure it must be nice being around people who aren't once going to ask you, "Did that hurt?"

there weren't any giant fountains at my party, but there was a car show:

and a horse:

huh? where? oh sorry, i mean, a horse:

Lesson 3: Steamers are the grossest and also most delicious food ever.

did i ever tell you my friend Jared and i tried out to be hosts on the food network. no? we did. it was for a show called Cheap Eats. we got called in to audition and never got called in again. i hope whomever they did pick to host Cheap Eats does a segment on steamers.

what is a steamer? it's this thing:

delicious looking, right? no. exactly.

steamers are related to clams and they require some work to eat.

first, you must take the steamer out of the shell. next, see that...what's a nice way to say it?... wiener hanging off the right side of the steamer, you have to pull the black thing that's covering it off it. then you dunk the steamer in a cup of murky water to wash off the sand. then you dunk it in a cup of butter. then you ingest it.

Lesson 3a. It's okay to make a face of disgust whilst preparing your steamer.

i did for at least the first 6 i ate. but here's the thing, if you get a really tasty steamer, they're sweet like lobster. see that bucket of empty shells? me. i did that. by the end. i was a little addicted. i still can't stop thinking about them, creepy wienery thing and all.

moving on.

Lesson 4: Beaches exist near NYC with water you'd actually like to swim in.

have you heard about the NYC sewage treatment plant that just dumped a few days worth of waste into the Hudson river? no? well, they closed a few beaches around here because of it. but in the Hamptons (pronounced HAAAAAMMMM-ptons, when spoken in this context) that's not a concern.

the beaches are beeeaaautiful. the water is frigid at first, but you instantly get used to it. mainly because you have no choice. the waves and current pummel you regardless of your "how wet shall i get" preference.

Lesson 5: It's never as fun going home from places as it is getting there.

Lesson 6: If you and your sister decide to take different connecting LIRR trains back into the city, make sure you give your sister her ticket so she isn't charged $12 by the conductor for not having one. oops. still feeling bad about that one.

and finally:

Lesson 7: Life is like a bucket of steamers. You enjoy it more and get better at it, the more you eat of it.

boo-yah, yes, i went there. 'cause when you visit the Hamptons for a whole seven hours, that's how you do.


  1. Hello, i just found your blog. this last post is really cool and funny, hope to read more from you :)

  2. that beach looks so much prettier than the one I went to ;D also, I am jealous of those kick-ass cars...

  3. thanks, Julia! i'm glad you made your way over. hope to see you more.

    and Elle, yeah, i'll show you more pictures. there were like 10 cars there. and a big motorcycle. and lots of dogs. but no kitteh faces:)

  4. The one time I went to the Hamptons, it was with 2 fat lesbians who gave me a very potent pot brownie - so strong that i didn't speak for 9 hours staight so they thought I wasn't having a good time. i was though, inside. they never invited me back. Your Hamptons seems like much more fun.

  5. I love reading about your adventures! My aunt and uncle have a house in the Hamptons but it's in a more laid-back area so it doesn't feel pretentious. Sounds like you had a blast. I've never had a steamer but I'm intrigued...

    BTW, I just gave you an award on my blog!

  6. aww, thanks Ghenet! that means alot. and i love the award and all the things you wrote. i hope you know how psyched we are to have you in crit group as well. also, mandycat, um, i'm starting to see why you're not allowed to go anywhere ever. miss you:)